April 7, 2010

Everything I learned in life, I learned from watching horror films...

I have learned a great deal from watching Horror films ever since I was a young child, and it is in the interest of public service that I, with tongue planted firmly in cheek, present the following...


1. Never ever EVER have sex. According to horror films? 90% of most fatalities happen when engaged in coitus. I guess what it is, is you piss off big disfigured undead goons who figure the chances of them getting laid are nil, so they take it out on you and your fuck buddy with their pet butcher knife 'Matilda'.

2. Never give up. Look how many times Jason Voorhees finds a victim who can run faster than him. Does he give up and let that person run away? No! Even though the victim maybe miles ahead of him, Jason manages to catch up to them somehow and plant a machete right between their eyes. How does he do that? Determination!

3. Try not to be black. A black survivor at the end of a horror film is more rare than finding a condom machine at the vatican. Wait, on second thought? That's a horribly inaccurate analogy...

4. Cops are entirely ineffective. They never believe you, insist on going in without back-up, their guns are useless, and are easily dispatched by whatever ghoul is laying in wait for them.

5. It's never ends. I don't care if you managed to chop it's head off, remove it's heart, crush it under a pneumatic press, ground it into hamburger, cook it, eat it, shit it out, burn it to ashes, lock the ashes in a safe, and drop the safe into the bottom of the ocean - whatever undead mofo you pissed off is coming back to get you no matter what.

6. When the bodies start dropping like flies? Try to be the 'nice' one. Sluts, jocks, stoners, nerds, preps, and airheads always die. Always. However? If you're the nice, white bread eating, milk drinking, Barry Manilow listening goody two shoes virgin? Your chances of survival increase by 70%

7. When the zombies start attacking? Head to the mall! Not necessarily because it's an easily defensible position with strong fortifications, but now's your chance to loot the place! Always wanted that iPhone but couldn't afford one? Go get one! It's not like anyone is going to be there to give a fuck. Chances are they're either bits of food stuck between a zombies teeth, or did the sensible thing and made their way to a military base. No matter what the catastrophe, always find time to shop!

8. No matter if aliens land in a near-by town, or if you're trapped in a zombie infested apartment, or lost in a patch of spooky woods, or if a gigantic monster is wrecking the town; never ever ever drop your video camera no matter what and keep filming. Don't mind giving your viewers motion sickness due to your jerking and whipping the camera around every 3 minutes, us survivors got to see this shit so we can 'know what really went down' by watching it off of YouTube. That is if we're not to busy watching lesbian porn.

9. If cornered by a monster? The correct thing to do is to fall down, scream, and beg for mercy. Forget trying to fight your way pass, or maneuver around them, instead? Try to appeal to their sense of compassion even though they have disemboweled most of the people you know and are literally skull fucking your best friend.

10. If you wake up from being drugged, find yourself tied to a table, and hear a gravelly voice asking you if you would like to play a game? Assume they don't mean on X-Box Live.

11. Even though you might find yourself in a world where it's possible that the ghost of a child molester can haunt your dreams and kill you in your nightmares, go ahead and assume that Batman probably won't be there to save you.

12. Anyone can be a vampire through the miracle of body glitter.

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