March 28, 2010

More Sparkly Shit: New Moon (2009)

Well, I brought this upon myself. I decided to grin and bear the consequences I bestowed upon watching TWILIGHT yesterday, and NEW MOON today. And boy, was it quite the experience. And I don't mean that positively in any way. If you read my TWILIGHT review, you'll know exactly what I am talking about.

Now, my review for NEW MOON is a bit different than how I previously reviewed TWILIGHT. This is going to be in bulletin form, because as I watched it, I wrote down any and all thoughts that were popping into my head during that time. Now, don't cancel out the amount of anger I bestowed upon the first installment, as that was still readily in full force while watching this installment as well.

- Dating a 109 year old man. Yes, it is gross. Sagtastic balls, all wrinkly. Less sparkles!

- Jacob is "filling out?" Yep, butt injections and terrible hair. I'm sure he'd get along great with soap dropping baseball players.

- Edwards choice of romantic words are terrible. He's still an asshole, coated over by goofy smiles and constipated expressions.

- All of the actors seem like they're really tired, or don't want to be there. As if they're simply there for the check. The only actor that I feel as if really cares about ANY of this is by Billy Burke (playing Bella's dad.)

-Paper cut scene: HILARIOUS.

- Oh no, are they breaking up? Good. Maybe she'll get some fucking brains in her skull. Oh wait, this is TWILIGHT...she's dumb as shit.

-"I'm Coming." "Bella, I don't want you to come." *snicker, giggle, teehee.*

- After Edward left her in the woods, I really wanted the tree's to go all EVIL DEAD and rape the shit out of her. And for a little extra enjoyment...kill her.

- All werewolves must be half-naked Indians. It's a rule. A rule of life. How could I have forgotten this? Stupid.

- Bella must smell like total ass after sitting there for 3 months straight, over something so fucking stupid. Dumb bitch.

- Edward Ghost-Apparition? Time to bust out the Proton Packs, bitches! *Sings Ghostbusters theme.*

- So, she's a reckless little twit, now? Okay...sure. An "Adrenaline Junkie?" Save yourself some time...kill yourself.

- "Face Punch" for a movie title? Really. Must star Nicolas Cage.

- The CGI wolves in this movie look TERRIBLE.

- When the hell could werewolves hear each others thoughts? And what kind of muffins are they eating? They better be chocolate chip.

- Bella really seems to have a thing for controlling, maniacal, self absorbed little shits. What's next? A mongoloid brought back from the dead via a mad scientist?

- Dakota Fanning. Yep. That's all I have to say about that.

- The only positives of the past two films have been the character of Alice (played by Ashley Greene). So perky, cute, yet darkly mysterious. Everything else = shit.

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