TWATlight...er, I mean TWILIGHT. (2008)

Well, after all of the harsh comments I have thrown around in my time towards all that is TWILIGHT, I finally decided to swallow my pride give the first film of the TWILIGHT series a viewing. And here we go... *Warning: Curse words throughout, and this movie enrages me to no end.*

This film, and all it apparently stands for, or at least what it tries to give to its audience, is nothing but two hours of pure nonsensical BULL SHIT. This is not the Vampires I know and love, for Stephanie Meyer has taken perhaps the biggest diarrhea of a shit known to man by having her "novels" adapted to the screen, penned by Melissa Rosenberg and directed by Catherine Hardwicke. This film, beginning to end, can go right ahead and suck my asshole.

I'm not going to go into specifics of the story, as I'm sure it's all been beaten over your head so many times by now, that you probably don't even have to see the movie to know anything about it. Edward Cullen is a creepy as fuck, maniacal, controlling little prick back of a fucktard...and Bella Swan is so fucking thickheaded and oblivious to the world around her that I just wanted this bitch to die. The acting in this film was atrocious, story...well, I could write my own novel on how this story is fucking terrible beyond belief. And what the hell was up with Jackson Rathbone's acting in this flick? He was GREAT in 'Clive Barkers: DREAD.' In this? I think he was told to just stand there with his eyes all bugged open and act confused:

The chemistry between the two characters of Edward and Bella seriously reminded me 100% of the relationship between the real life couple of Rod Ferrell and Heather Wendorf. What I mean is this: Heather was completely under Rod's spell, a different form of Love, if you will. He was always controlling, no matter how terrible of a person he may be. But that didn't matter at all to her, she loved him. So, she tells him that her parents are abusing her...and to make a long story short, he along with his "Vampire Clan", decide to go ahead and kill her parents. I really do not feel like getting into a lot of it, but if you want to read more on his crazy ass, click here. I was merely stating how that's what I was thinking of when I saw the interaction between Edward and Bella.

Now, I haven't read any of the Twilight books, and I am only basing my opinions simply off of the films...but I'm entitled to that. I can share my opinions on something no matter how derogatory my words may be, because I'm very open minded. And when something, to me, sucks SO much, I can say whatever the hell I damn well please about it.

I'm sure 22 year-old actor Robert Pattinson's not a bad person in real life, but that doesn't keep me from wanting him to experience trauma simply for looking like he does in this completely overused photograph. I think his look sums up why I hate vampires 88% of the time ALL OF THE TIME. With each new Vampire tale to come along, in film form, they seem to break down the essence and folklore of what made the Vampire noir so interesting and mysterious...and Twilight successfully takes the biggest, juiciest, Shit on all of that.

Vampires have become VERY dumb. Twilight is dumb (I've read zero pages and it's probably good but I'll never know because I don't want to be wrong when it comes to horrible vampire bullshit). That this will be a phenomenon is dumb. You pay to see this? You're dumb. For christ sakes, the new wave of Vampires is sickening. True Blood had a lot of hype behind it, but ended up becoming a steaming pile of cow dung, and I don't understand why anyone can see some form of entertainment from that show...though, I guess it must be all the HBO Sex scenes and things of the sort. But I have to hand it to the fan base of Twilight, because they take the cake. They are the most rabid and quick to fight of any out there. Which is pretty incredible considering how lame and easy their beloved property is.

Twilight is by most accounts teen gothic literature for those unwilling to hunt out the decent stuff out there.